Things to Ponder

This is a list of seemingly inane questions or one-liners, collected mostly from here, here and here. Many of them showcase how illogical English sometimes is ("Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?", "Why do people park in driveways and drive on parkways?"), others are puns ("If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?", "Is it OK to use my AM radio after noon?"). If you know of more sources, feel free to leave a comment or edit the page after checking for duplication.

  1. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?
  2. A fly without wings... would it be called a walk?
  3. After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?
  4. Are female moths called myths?
  5. Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors?
  6. Are you breaking the law if you drive past those road signs that say "Do Not Pass"?
  7. Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?
  8. Can fat people go skinny-dipping?
  9. Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
  10. Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
  11. Can you buy an entire chess set in a pawn-shop?
  12. Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener?
  13. Can you tell the truth if you're lying in bed?
  14. Could crop-circles be the work of a cereal killer?
  15. Day light savings time - why are they saving it and where do they keep it?
  16. Did Noah keep his bees in archives?
  17. Do Quarter Horses have only one leg?
  18. Do Roman paramedics refer to "IV's" as "4's"?
  19. Do Scottish Terriers get Scotch Tape worms?
  20. Do blind Eskimos have seeing-eye sled dogs?
  21. Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?
  22. Do crematoriums give discounts to burn victims?
  23. Do fish get thirsty?
  24. Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?
  25. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?
  26. Do people in Australia call the rest of the world 'up over'?
  27. Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?
  28. Do stars clean themselves with meteor showers?
  29. Do steam rollers really roll steam?
  30. Do television evangelists do more than lay people?
  31. Do they have reserved parking for non-handicap people at the Special Olympics?
  32. Do witches run spell checks?
  33. Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
  34. Do you think that when they asked George Washington for ID that he just whipped out a quarter?
  35. Does a man-eating shark eat women, too?
  36. Does fuzzy logic tickle?
  37. Does killing time damage eternity?
  38. Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
  39. Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
  40. Have you ever seen a toad on a toadstool?
  41. How can someone "draw a blank"?
  42. How can there be self-help "groups"?
  43. How come wrong numbers are never busy?
  44. How did a fool and his money get together?
  45. How do I set my laser printer on stun?
  46. How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
  47. How do you know if honesty is the best policy unless you've tried some of the others?
  48. How do you know when it is time to tune your bagpipes?
  49. How do you know when you've run out of invisible ink?
  50. How do you throw away a garbage can?
  51. How do you write zero in Roman numerals?
  52. How does a person with a lisp pronounce that word?
  53. How does a thermos know whether a drink should be hot or cold?
  54. How does the guy who drives the snow plow get to work in the mornings?
  55. How is it possible to have a civil war?
  56. How many weeks are there in a light year?
  57. How much can I get away with and still go to heaven?
  58. I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was; she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
  59. If "Q" were castrated, would he become "O"?
  60. If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
  61. If Barbie's so popular, why do you have to buy all her friends?
  62. If Fred Flintstone knew that the large order of ribs would tip his car over, why did he order them at the end of every show?
  63. If God dropped acid, would he see people?
  64. If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?
  65. If I save time, when do I get it back?
  66. If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?
  67. If a food processor slices and dices food, what does a word processor do?
  68. If a man stands in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him....Is he still wrong?
  69. If a mirror reverses right and left, why doesn't it reverse up and down?
  70. If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
  71. If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?
  72. If a pig is sold to the pawn shop, is it a ham-hock?
  73. If a pizza place sells pizza by the slice, is there a guy in the back tossing a triangle in the air?
  74. If a pronoun is a word used in place of a noun, is a proverb a word used in place of a verb?
  75. If a stealth bomber crashes in the forest, does it make a sound?
  76. If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?
  77. If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?
  78. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?
  79. If absolute power corrupts absolutely, does absolute powerlessness make you pure?
  80. If all the nations in the world are in debt, where did all the money go?
  81. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?
  82. If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green, and a lemon called a yellow?
  83. If athletes get athlete's foot, do astronauts get mistletoe?
  84. If bees live in an apiary, do apes live in a beeiary?
  85. If blind people wear dark glasses, why don't deaf people wear earmuffs?
  86. If bulls have horns, why do they MOO instead of honk?
  87. If cats and dog didn't have fur would we still pet them?
  88. If corn oil comes from corn, where does baby oil come from?
  89. If crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight?
  90. If everything is part of a whole, what is the whole part of?
  91. If flowers don't talk back to you, are they mums?
  92. If horrific means to make horrible, shouldn't terrific mean to make terrible?
  93. If humans get a charley horse, what do horses get?
  94. If humans get chicken pox, do chicken get human pox?
  95. If humans have nightmares, what do horses have?
  96. If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
  97. If lawyers are disbarred, and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and drycleaners depressed?
  98. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
  99. If man evolved from apes, why do we still have apes?
  100. If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?
  101. If nothing sticks to Teflon, how do they stick Teflon to the pan?
  102. If people from Poland are called "Poles", why aren't people from Holland Called "Holes"?
  103. If rabbits' feet are so lucky, then what happened to the rabbit?
  104. If someone with multiple personalities threatens suicide... is it considered a hostage situation?
  105. If swimming is good for your shape, then why do the whales look like the way they do?
  106. If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
  107. If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?
  108. If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?
  109. If the ocean no longer had sponges living in it, would the sea-level rise?
  110. If there is no God, who pops up the next Kleenex in the box?
  111. If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?
  112. If you can't drink and drive, why do bars have parking lots?
  113. If you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?
  114. If you didn't get caught, did you really do it?
  115. If you get into a taxi cab, and ask the driver to drive backwards to your destination, will the cab driver owe you money?
  116. If you had a million Shakespeares, could they write like a monkey?
  117. If you jog backwards, will you gain weight?
  118. If you play a blank tape at full blast, will you drive mimes crazy?
  119. If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?
  120. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?
  121. If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?
  122. If you throw a cat out a car window, does it become kitty litter?
  123. If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what would happen?
  124. If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  125. If you're a kleptomaniac, is there something you can take for it?
  126. If you're born again, do you have two belly-buttons?
  127. If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
  128. If your car says Dodge on the front of it, do you really need a horn?
  129. In court, why do they ask if you swear to tell the truth? If you're planning on lying, do they really think you'll tell them so?
  130. Instead of wasting time hunting and cooking, why don't hunters just use flame-throwers?
  131. Is "tired old cliché" one?
  132. Is a castrated pig disgruntled?
  133. Is a halfback more valuable than a quarterback?
  134. Is a sleeping bull a bull-dozer?
  135. Is a small pig called a hamlet?
  136. Is an oxymoron a really dumb bovine?
  137. Is drilling for oil boring?
  138. Is duck tape made out of ducks?
  139. Is it OK to use my AM radio after noon?
  140. Is it possible to be totally partial?
  141. Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
  142. Is reading in the bathroom considered Multi-Tasking?
  143. Is that a flying saucer or a pie in the sky?
  144. Is the nose the scenter of the face?
  145. Is there another word for synonym?
  146. Is this bullshit or fertilizer?
  147. Now that MicroSoft is so big, should it be called MacroSoft?
  148. Sexual harassment at work - is it a problem for the self-employed?
  149. Since Americans throw rice at weddings, do Asians throw hamburgers?
  150. Since there is a speed of light and a speed of sound, is there a speed of smell?
  151. The Scarecrow got a brain, Tin Man got a heart, Lion got courage, Dorothy got home, what did Toto get?
  152. Was the pole vault accidentally discovered by a clumsy javelin thrower?
  153. What are imitation rhinestones?
  154. What do batteries run on?
  155. What do chickens think we taste like?
  156. What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?
  157. What do penguins wear for play clothes?
  158. What do people in China call their good plates?
  159. What do sheep count when they can't get to sleep?
  160. What do they call a French kiss in France?
  161. What do they call coffee breaks at the Lipton Tea Company?
  162. What do they use to ship Styrofoam?
  163. What do you call a bedroom with no bed in it?
  164. What do you call a male ladybug?
  165. What do you call male ballerinas?
  166. What do you suppose gives Stephen King nightmares?
  167. What does 'erasing of hard drive in progress' mean?
  168. What does Geronimo say when he jumps out of a plane?
  169. What does God say when "he" sneezes? (bless me?)
  170. What hair color do they put on the driver's license of a bald man?
  171. What happened to the first 6 UP's?
  172. What happens if you get scared half to death, ...twice?
  173. What happens if you go on a survival course - and you don't pass?
  174. What happens if you take No-Doze and wash it down with Nyquil?
  175. What happens to an 18 hour bra after 18 hours?
  176. What happens when none of your bees wax?
  177. What happens when you swallow your pride?
  178. What if hell really did freeze over? What would we be using instead?
  179. What if someone died in the living room?
  180. What if the hokey pokey really is what it's all about?
  181. What if you're in hell, and you're mad at someone, where do you tell them to go?
  182. What is "Soft Liquor"?
  183. What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?
  184. What is shaved ice? Did it have hair on it before it was shaved?
  185. What is the diameter of a square?
  186. What is the speed of dark?
  187. What kind of fruit is in Juicy Fruit gum?
  188. What makes cheese so confidential that we actually need cheese shredders?
  189. What should you do if you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?
  190. What was the best thing before sliced bread?
  191. What's another word for thesaurus?
  192. What's the sound a name makes when it's dropped?
  193. What's up with refried beans? Why do they have to fry them twice?
  194. Whatever happened to preparations A through G?
  195. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
  196. When a cow laughs, does milk come out its nose?
  197. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?
  198. When day breaks, who fixes it?
  199. When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
  200. When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?
  201. When night falls who picks it up?
  202. When people lose weight, where does it go?
  203. When someone asks you,"A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny?
  204. When something fades in the sunlight, where did the colors go?
  205. When they first invented the clock, how did they know what time it was to set it to?
  206. When they make a call from jail, do they use a "cell phone"?
  207. When we say our mind wanders - where does it go?
  208. When you put a sheet over your head for Halloween, are you a ghost or a mattress?
  209. When you read an obituary in the newspaper, how does it work out that these people always die in alphabetical order?
  210. When you switch off the light, where do all the photons go?
  211. Where are the germs that cause 'good' breath?
  212. Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?
  213. Where did Webster look up the definitions when he wrote the dictionary?
  214. Where do forest rangers go to get away from it all?
  215. Where do they get Spring water in the other 3 seasons?
  216. Where does the fire go when the fire goes out?
  217. Where does the white go when the snow melts?
  218. Where does your lap go when you stand up?
  219. Where in the nursery rhyme does it say Humpty Dumpty is an egg?
  220. Where is Old Zealand?
  221. Which is the other side of the street?
  222. Who is it that put an "S" in the word lisp? Isn't that kinda cruel?
  223. Who killed the Dead Sea?
  224. Who opened that first 'oyster' and said "My, my, my. Now doesn't 'this' look yummy!"
  225. Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here and drink whatever comes out?"
  226. Who was the first person to see an egg come from a chicken's butt and think, "I'll bet that would be good to eat?
  227. Why are America's parks administered by the Department of the Interior?
  228. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?
  229. Why are all blackboards called that when some of them are green?
  230. Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor, but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?
  231. Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
  232. Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?
  233. Why are highways build so close to the ground?
  234. Why are most "gay" people so unhappy?
  235. Why are raisins called raisins if they are only dried grapes? Why not just call them dried grapes?
  236. Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
  237. Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
  238. Why are they called "stands" when they're made for sitting?
  239. Why are violets blue and not violet?
  240. Why are you expected to slow down in a speed zone?
  241. Why aren't there ever any guilty bystanders?
  242. Why buy shampoo when real poo is still free?
  243. Why can't we tickle ourselves?
  244. Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"?
  245. Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets anyways?
  246. Why did the pot call the kettle black?
  247. Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
  248. Why do ballet dancers dance on their toes? Why doesn't the company just hire taller dancers?
  249. Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.
  250. Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?
  251. Why do flamingos stand on only one leg?
  252. Why do flammable and inflammable mean the same thing?
  253. Why do hot dogs come ten to a package and hot dog buns only eight?
  254. Why do irons have a setting for "permanent" press?
  255. Why do mattresses have springs, if they aren't made for jumping on?
  256. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?
  257. Why do people "tell" you when they are speechless?
  258. Why do people always remember where they were when someone famous was killed? Do they feel perhaps they'll need an alibi?
  259. Why do people go to the unemployment office to find a job?
  260. Why do people say "tuna fish?" They don't say "beef mammal" or "chicken bird"?
  261. Why do people sing "Take Me Out To The Ball Game" when they're already there?
  262. Why do people tell you when they are speechless?
  263. Why do pigs have curly tails?
  264. Why do the signs that say "Slow Children" have a picture of a running child?
  265. Why do they call Wednesday hump day, when most people get laid on the weekends?
  266. Why do they call it 'chili' if it's hot?
  267. Why do they call it 'getting your dog fixed' if afterwards it doesn't work anymore?
  268. Why do they call it a TV "set" when you only get one?
  269. Why do they call it life insurance?
  270. Why do they call it quicksand when it sucks you down slowly?
  271. Why do they call the piece of wood a two-by-four if it's only 1 3/4" x 3 1/2"?
  272. Why do they give you a tape with a VCR to tell you how to use it?
  273. Why do they make cars go so fast its illegal?
  274. Why do they make scented toilet paper?
  275. Why do they put Braille on the number pads of drive-through ATMs?
  276. Why do they report power outages on TV?
  277. Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
  278. Why do toasters always have a setting that burns the toast to a horrible crisp, which no decent human being would eat?
  279. Why do tourists go to the top of tall buildings and then put money in telescopes so they can see things on the ground in close-up?
  280. Why do we call something sent by car a shipment and something sent by ship a cargo?
  281. Why do we call them restrooms when no one goes there to rest?
  282. Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
  283. Why do we have hot water heaters when hot water doesn't need to be heated?
  284. Why do we kill people for killing people to show that killing is wrong?
  285. Why do we need training bras? What can we teach them?
  286. Why do we put shirts in a suitcase, and put suits in a garment bag?
  287. Why do we say "a pair of pants" when there is only one article of clothing involved?
  288. Why do we say something is out of whack? What is whack?
  289. Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing night gowns?
  290. Why do you feet smell and your nose runs?
  291. Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
  292. Why do you need an appointment to see a psychic?
  293. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
  294. Why does a grapefruit look nothing like a grape?
  295. Why does it take 15 minutes to cook minute rice?
  296. Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?
  297. Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
  298. Why doesn't the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?
  299. Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
  300. Why get even, when you can get odd?
  301. Why in a country of free speech, are there phone bills?
  302. Why is "abbreviation" such a long word?
  303. Why is a boxing ring square?
  304. Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?
  305. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?
  306. Why is a women's prison called a penal colony?
  307. Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?
  308. Why is clear considered a color?
  309. Why is it called a "building" when it is already built?
  310. Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?
  311. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman's chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?
  312. Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
  313. Why is it that if someone tells you there are 1 billion stars in the universe, you will believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint, you'll have to touch it to make sure?
  314. Why is it that night falls and day breaks?
  315. Why is it that only adults have difficulty with childproof bottles?
  316. Why is it that rain drops but snow falls?
  317. Why is it that to stop Windows, you have to click on "Start"?
  318. Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio?
  319. Why is it you must wait until night to "call it a day"?
  320. Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
  321. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of the song?
  322. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
  323. Why is the third hand on the watch called a second hand?
  324. Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
  325. Why is there an expiration date on "sour" cream?
  326. Why is your index finger the same size as your nostrils?
  327. Why isn't "phonetic" spelled the way it sounds?
  328. Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
  329. Why isn't there a special name for the tops of your feet?
  330. Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?
  331. Why was Evelyn Wood in such a hurry?
  332. You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
  333. You know that little indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why can't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

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